Building an Economy of Self, 2025 in Retrospect

This year (2025) started with a heavy sense of being emotionally and physically overwhelmed, burned out from the busy holidays and working overtime. The job I was working at the time required me to manage my own hours, focus and productivity without providing the support I needed to maintain myself and my level of effort. I’ve always been someone who puts a lot of effort into my work and I take pride in the results, but this has often led to me being easily burned out. This job left me exhausted and I dreaded every moment of it, more than any work I’ve ever done. Before 2024 was even over I was so done with everything and wanted to sleep, to just stop existing, for a while.

So, for the month of January, I called off all social engagements and deleted all social media apps, making space to care for myself. I changed my phone charging location, started a more consistent skincare routine, and made some changes to my meal prep so I wouldn't have to cook very often. And I slept, a lot.

The goal was to ease the load on my economy of focus and decision making, and social pressures. I realized that I had people-pleasing habits I wasn’t even aware of, and that I lent too much power to people- even those I cared deeply about. By freeing myself from expectations, and being in a space where I didn’t depend on others for my sense of self worth, I was able to be a little more relaxed in the idea that I didn’t need to always put in maximum effort to show people I care, and that some things I was doing weren’t actually bringing value to my relationships. The perspective helped me start being more intentional when I returned to my social commitments.

In February I applied for and secured a job that felt like the complete opposite of what I’d been doing. Everything about it was so much easier, and somehow the pay was better. I could finally start getting my life in order- my schedule was more manageable, the work significantly less physically demanding, and most importantly- I didn’t have to think about it. The challenges I would face at this new job wouldn’t haunt me afterhours. I could leave thoughts of work behind as soon as I clocked out.

With some new mental real estate opened up, I am making it my goal to continue pursuing better uses of my focus and decision making. In March I started a time limit on my phone and started learning about the concepts of “underconsumption” which sparked a new creative drive, to pursue creating things I want instead of buying them, to spend less money, source used/secondhand items, support small businesses, use what I have on hand, and all the while allow myself time to not do anything.

I also hope to keep growing, understanding myself and working on my weak points. 

I want to explore the idea of non-instant gratification; I want to be able to, instead of picking up my phone or turning on the TV, being able to bake or cook something, paint or craft, tidy the house, do some self-care, get outside, and generally rest and enjoy life. Things that bring real gratification, that may still be fairly instant in some cases, but that also let me or require me to slow down. I’m hoping this will help me extend my focal capacity.

Focus and attention are a growing economy, an economy that is preyed upon by corporations in the form of sponsorships and advertising. I want to live my life, be free, and protect my attention from constantly being bought and sold, to regain a small sense of control against capitalism. But I also want to allow myself to let go of perfectionism, this idea that maximum effort is always required, and be more selective with where I put that energy.

Last year I started a new life in a new town, legally changed my name, and started three separate jobs along with new traditions. It was beautiful but crazy. I had hoped to start building or ingratiating myself into community, but my focus was all over the place and I ended up retreating to find some comfort in my new home.

Now that I am finally feeling somewhat established in this home, this town, this identity, I was hoping to revisit the idea of community, but have realized that I have some more work to do on myself if I want to actually be the person I hope I am within a community. I don’t feel like I am merely surviving at the moment, which is a fantastic time to do some self-reflection and work on myself.

I had intended to start therapy in January, but certain roadblocks such as my new full-time work schedule and associated costs have been a challenge to get past. One of the big reasons I want to take therapy is that I have strong neurodivergent symptoms that may remain a challenge no matter how much growth and self discipline I have. Stressful periods like the one I faced in November 2024 through January 2025 proved to me that there's only so much I can do for myself without support, and while I do as much as I can to maintain my health and cope in the meantime, I've been putting off seeing a therapist for too long. I know things feel much better now, and it may seem like I don't need it anymore, but the truth is that every day I wait is another day lost.

It's crazy to see how far I've come since I wrote about becoming unemployed and had to grapple with some concepts that were the first inclinations of the topics discussed in this post. It's comforting to know that I can keep getting better and that things will be okay.

I have never done resolutions, just goals and themes. These are the things I have been working on in my personal life and what I hope to continue pursuing until I learn more. Life is a constant process of trying, learning, and growing. I am going to try these things, see if they work for me, and go from there.