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Unemployed Ponderings

I recently became unemployed for the first time since I started working at age sixteen, over eight years ago. While I have despised capitalism especially in the past two years, it is interesting discovering all the ways that capitalist ideals have been ingrained in me without my realizing it.

For starters, it's become apparent to me that - taking into account my neurodivergent tendencies - the work ethic I've curated over the years, and the pride from being considered a good worker was a part of my identity that was more important to me than I ever would have expected.

In this society that drills into us from an early age that we must be able to be productive and contribute to capitalism in order to achieve success (often at the expense of our needs outside of work), it is implied that anyone who is incapable of working is not valuable to society. As a neurodivergent person, I could be considered disabled under capitalist standards. That, along with the fact that the economy is beginning to crumble, cause me to fear I'll never achieve my dream of living a peaceful life in my own house in the woods someday, whittling away the hours with whatever new hobby consumes my attention.

In combination with the exhaustion of the performance of working and revolving everything else in my life around my work schedule, I've felt my essence slowly fading away.

Being fired was both the worst feeling and also a refreshing jolt back into reality, like I've just been thrown out of a toxic relationship and can't help but think of my ex, thinking of going back and asking to be together again even though I know it's bad for me, but also feeling so free and happy to be away.

I'm very fortunate I am in a situation where we can live off my husband's income, even if it means it's now harder to build up our savings for things like a house, which has been a mutual dream for us. I feel bad that I can't contribute to that goal right now, but I am very grateful that it's even an option for me to be a stay-at-home spouse right now, and I think I want to continue making the most of that.

I plan to take my time looking for the next thing, and enjoy myself immensely in the meantime. I've too much potential to be wasted on some greedy white man's employment.

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