God, Kids, and Moving On

I've always felt at odds with what society (institutions) and my family expects of me. A big part of my journey in becoming who I am was trying to live up to those expectations and realizing that the accomplishments, the lifestyles, the behavior, none of it served me. I felt too pressured to fit an ideal that meant nothing to me.

I don't regret that I went through that phase of life, even if it took me a couple years to work through before finally feeling okay, because it gave me a lot of perspective that has shaped me and given me a confidence and passion I probably couldn't have forged otherwise. Now that I'm on the other side of it, I can better appreciate the outlook I have formed and can look forward with optimism.

If you're curious, read on and you'll find some of the conclusions I have come to. By the way, I'm not trying to change anyone's mind by sharing this, so please, do hesitate to comment if you find yourself getting defensive.

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Religion, like anything, is inherently morally neutral, but can be bad if taken too far. Similarly, people are also inherently morally neutral, but are inclined to meet their needs in whatever way possible or necessary, including using religion, whether simply to escape worry, or to finally feel some sense of control by abusing subordinates within their religion or using their position to condemn those they deem unworthy. That may seem harsh to bring up, but if you've met some of the pastors I grew up with you'd understand. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you shouldn't just believe anything someone says just because they have authority or title; anyone can say anything, and if they have enough charisma, they can gain a following, religious or otherwise. Under this reasoning, I find it nearly impossible to rationalize the recklessly faithful and ignorant following of any human figureheads, let alone those with morally questionable means of obtaining following (read: political motive- a discussion for another day, perhaps?). There's layers to this matter that I could go on about but that would make this longer of a read than I'd like.

My main problem with religion - specifically with Christianity - is that in the American church, which interprets holiness through the lens of societal standard, Christians tend to take up the unnecessary responsibility of judgement and condemnation of things that don't fit the standard and therefore holiness, such as mental illness, disability, being of a different race/culture/religion, and queerness-  all under the guise of "saving" those people from qualities they cannot escape from in order for these Christians to claim their own spiritual rewards. Of course I understand not all Christians do this, but the amount of people I've seen fall victim to it has solidified my stance that I cannot support or partake in practices that encourage imposing such suffering while putting up on pedestals leaders who abuse their power and further encourage damnation on human beings while professing to be acting under love and compassion.

While I'm no longer religious, nor have I ever really been except in repeated situations where it was forced upon me, I understand the need for answers to questions that can never be answered, and for belief in some force of good that has the power to change the darkness around us, and so, to those simply going about their lives holding to such belief, I hope you understand that I have no bitterness towards you. However, I've come to be content in the realization, that answers that cannot be found are not meaningful to how I live this life; I have instead come to place that faith in something less unavailable: communities of humans fighting for each other, and for equality and freedom. 

Discovering that I am autistic with ADHD (falling under the umbrella term of neurodivergent) I've found a novel way of relating to other minority groups, which has led to further personal discoveries. I've heard it said multiple times that there are no neurodivergent people alive without trauma, and I'm sure the same is true for many other minority groups. Being neurodivergent myself, I find it plain to see that neurodivergent people wouldn't have as much trauma or difficulty in society if it weren't for being othered, our needs being misunderstood and attacked, and the same goes for every other group of minorities othered by society.

Basically, people deserve a base line of respect no matter what, and my focus has shifted from evangelizing to actually fighting for the needs of minorities so they can finally experience their basic needs met: love, respect, and opportunity. 

Any individual or group who seek to remove basic autonomy or freedom of expression of another individual or group cannot be found to be virtuous in my eyes. On that note, trying to convert others to a religion, even if you deem some of the beliefs to be beneficial, is at best ignorant and at worst, predatory and harmful. Such actions may imply that those unsaved" are without value outside of your religion and that those people need to be fixed. Perhaps you can see where I'm going with this.

I grew up unaware of my neurodivergence, any hint of it hidden in a desperate attempt to be seen and praised for being "good" in whatever way that meant. I was so focused on gaining affirmation that I didn't realize I internalized so many harmful things. As a teen I became aware of the fact that I was also queer, and that threw a whole new storm of worries and performance into the mix. It was exhausting and traumatizing. I no longer remember most of my teens years.

Anyway, for my mental well-being, I had to work past the idea of the "ideal American" and "ideal Christian" of being young, attractive, able-bodied, straight, white, and of course, Christian, and married with lots of children, as being the only acceptable portrait of a good person. Even if I did outwardly fit some of these criteria, everything could change at the drop of a hat when such flimsy qualifications could change at any moment without notice. I had to distance myself from church and religious activities to reinstate some amount of self-worth and to get to where I am now. I've concluded that purpose can only be defined by individuals for themselves and not forced upon them, that value is inherent to every human life, and that things like gender, race/culture/religion, neurotype, appearance and physical ableness aren't what determines that worth, but are merely what flavors the experience that guides us to finding purpose.

What does this mean for my future?

Well, I've never been so closed-minded of a person as to say I would never change my mind, but for now, the future I imagine for myself does not include having children or returning to the church. I don't necessarily know what I do want for the future (and I never really have, aside from being generally happy) but I at least now know what I care about and have strong beliefs based in compassion to guide my future decisions.

I know I have more to work through, I'm sure that part is far from over. But at long last, I feel a sense of rest. I am blessed to have a safe environment to ponder and process these things, with loving family and friends with which to discuss.